There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
