Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
