If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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