I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
