just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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