We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
