If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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