obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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