The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
