and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
