dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
