Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
