Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
