My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
