I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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