everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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