I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
