You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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