dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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