I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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