just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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