remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
