Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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