Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
