I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
