While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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