I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
