Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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