I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im part way to drunk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
