I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
