I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
