You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
