so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
