God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
