A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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