she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
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how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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