i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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