I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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