Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
