She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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