im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
