You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
