I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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