Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
