You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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