I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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