i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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