So drunk its hurt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
