i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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