At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
