I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
we should paint friendship bongs
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