I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
