I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
