he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
