So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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