he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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